The Three Not-so-wise Men
by Hammerschlag
Summary: Tobin, Gray and Kliff are blithering idiots, but they decided to make the journey across Valentia to see Alm and Celica's new child anyway. Inspired by Top Gear.


**Hammerschlag Presents: A Very Merry Christmas Special 2017 Episode 15: The Three Not-so-wise Men**

 **This was heavily inspired by the Top Gear Middle East Special. I hope you all enjoy it.**

* * *

Tobin, Gray and Kliff were not terribly surprised by the news. After three years, Alm and Celica were finally having a kid. What did puzzle them was what they were supposed to do about it. They were at that moment on the northeastern-most dukedom of Valentia, now named Rosanne, and the new capital was directly west in a land that retained the name Rigel. To the south there was still only Zofia. The quickest way to the castle would be cross directly west, but that would mean going through bandit and pirate territory. During the war, this would not have been a problem, but the three hadn't held a weapon since then and were more than a bit out of practice. And so they got to work developing a route.

"Gentlemen, behold my ingenious plan: ages ago, when the Dragon God Naga first bore her daughter Tiki, three wise men traveled across the land on camels to visit the newborn. They faced many hardships, but it was worth it to them, as our hardships will be to us," Tobin suggested.

"Oh really," Kliff folded his arms.

"I say we repeat their journey, only we go south around the bandit-filled regions, then we travel west through the forests in northern Zofia, and once we reach the coast, we'll work our way up to the castle."

"So, we're going to go in the opposite direction because we're too cowardly to risk facing enemies," Kliff groaned.

"Sounds about right," Gray shrugged.

"I'm not riding a camel though."

"Well obviously. We'll just use horses!"

"Hey, wait a minute," Gray raised a hand, "on their journey, the three wise men collected as gifts for the baby frankincense, gold and myrrh. Where do we find those things? I mean, I don't even know what myrrh is!"

"Myrrh is an herb that–" Kliff started, but was cut off by Gray,

"Shut up."

"I'm sure we'll find them somewhere," Tobin threw up his arms, "now, let's go select some horses at meet here tomorrow at dawn. Just so no-one gets jealous, can we agree to limit our spending to 6000 gold?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"Fine."

* * *

 _The Next Morning_

"I have bought a white racing horse and named it Fia," Gray said.

"It looks fast, but something tells me its bones are a tad brittle," Tobin said as he approached with his boring horse,

"This is the personification of sensibility: a tough thoroughbred who I have named Mace."

"Well, horsification, really…" Gray chuckled.

"By sensibility do you mean boringness? It's plain as day. _I_ have been the sensible one," Kliff said proudly as he presented his horse, "Her name is Bev. She's the best you'll find anywhere in the region."

"Looks expensive," Tobin raised a brow.

"She was 9800 gold."

"What?"

"I thought we agreed to no more than 6000 each?"

"I rounded up."

"You rounded up?"

"I rounded up."

"Oh for the love of Mila, can we just hit the road?"

"Good idea." And so the three not-so-wise men got on their horses and left for Alm and Celica's castle.

The first few days went without a hitch, and on the fourth night, Gray and Tobin made camp in the middle of the woods. Then, Kliff had a problem.

"Guys, Bev just stopped."

"What?"

"She won't move," Kliff rolled his eyes, got off of his horse and checked for injuries, of which there were none. He then tried giving her food and water, but Bev accepted neither.

"Well, look here at the 'best horse you'll find anywhere in the region', experiencing difficulties before her less expensive counterparts," Gray smiled.

"Shut up, I'll find a way to fix it." It took a few hours, during which Tobin and Gray derived a great many laughs, but Kliff eventually managed to coax his horse into accepting his commands again.

"Finally!" Kliff exhaled and lied down on the grass, finding himself too tired to pitch a tent. The trio then fell asleep, though Mace would wake them before long with a broken leg.

"What the hell?!" Tobin groaned as he searched his pack for a salve of some sort.

"Hah! And you guys said MY horse was brittle! Looks like little Fia is the only horse who HASN'T had any problems!"

"Yet…" Kliff mumbled.

Eventually, the group arrived in the castle town and decided to go to different shops to find their respective gifts. Tobin went to a jewelry store to find some gold, Gray wandered about looking for an herb supplier for Frankincense, and Kliff, not trusting Gray's judgement, went looking for myrrh in the opposite direction.

* * *

"What do you have that's… well… somewhat affordable?" Tobin asked sheepishly.

"I have this relief. It's got the faces of the Gods on it. 100 gold," the shopkeeper, Anna responded.

"That'll do."

––

"Hmm, what to do about Frankin– ack!" Gray jumped as an item magically appeared in front of him. A sticker on the front said "This Electronic Device is called Switch. Celica's child should enjoy it. –Mila"

"OK then, screw Frankincense! This'll be interesting!"

––

" _That's_ the best you can do? I might as well get Myrrh-scented soap!" Kliff growled.

"I can sell you that for 5 gold!"

"I was being sar– you know what, fine, I'll take it."

––

"So I'm the only one who actually got what he was supposed to get?"

"Hey, this electronic thing sounds a lot cooler than a plant."

"And soap will keep him clean!"

"You're both blithering idiots, you know that?"

"Takes one to know one."

"Look, there's a light in the sky shining down upon the castle! I guess that means it's time!" Gray said.

"Finally… let's go," Tobin hopped on his horse and the three road off into the evening, arriving at the gate just as the moon reached it's peak. They walked through, gifts in hand, to the infirmary where Alm, Celica and their child awaited them. As they entered, they bowed and Tobin stepped forward,

"We are three wise men, and we have come bearing gifts. I have brought a gold relief bearing the faces of the Gods."

"I have brought an electronic device. I don't know what it is or where it came from, but it looks cool," Gray shrugged.

"I couldn't find someone who sold decent herbs, so I brought a bar of soap," Kliff said, "now let us see this child that the Gods have gifted unto us." The three looked down, and to their utter shock, saw that the baby looked identical to Boey. There wasn't a trace of Alm, Celica or anyone else on him. Only Boey. Complete with his usual outfit. It almost appeared as if he were born wearing it.

"…Oh my…"

"I wasn't expecting that."

"…What the hell do we do now…"

* * *

 **I added an Awakening tie-in because why not?**

 **Writing tunes: Even more Boccherini**


End file.
